DEEZ™

Founders & Mission — Internal Memo, Declassified

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01 — Origin

Founded in Cala Gonone, Sardinia, on a boat day that ran long and a slab of Ichnusa that didn't run long enough. Somewhere between the last tender back to shore and the last bottle, the question got asked, and nobody at the table had a good answer. By the next morning it had a name, a color scheme, and a synth laugh. Everything since has been implementation detail.

02 — Mission

Deez exists to answer, with entirely fabricated precision, a question mankind has been mumbling into group chats since the dawn of loose-fitting trousers. We do not diagnose. We do not treat. We do not detect anything. We measure a phone's sensors, apply a deterministic algorithm, render the result as a lab report, and say "GOTTEM."

The one part of this we take seriously stays serious: hands can check, phones can't. If you came here for the joke, leave with the reminder too.

03 — Cap Table & Personnel

Carl

Co-Founder — Medical Experience & Expertise, Chief Vibecoder

Stake: 46.55%

Brings the clinical credibility. Keeps the deadpan "hands can check, phones can't" line honest. Ships most of the codebase via a Claude subscription tier that does not officially exist.

Ranald

Co-Founder — Head of Sales, Certified Rizz King

Stake: 46.55%

Closes the deal before you've read the fine print. Undefeated in group chats. Also team glue — spends most of the equity meetings trying to get Carl and Tom in the same room, at the same time, speaking the same language.

Tom

Shareholder

Stake: 6.9%

Formal duties: none on record. Advisory capacity: vibes. Speaks fluent Mandarin, no English. Board updates proceed by vibes and Google Translate. The 6.9% was non-negotiable in every language tested.

TEAM STATUS: FULLY CALIBRATED